Euro debt haircuts: a question of style

Cindeurella needs a radical change of lifestyle and, as any girl worth her iphone knows, the crucial hurdle is getting the right haircut. A properly styled girl will come by anything she needs, effortlessly. And a girl can need a lot…

It is not the when; those bonds have been long due for a few snips. Nor the length, for it will have to be short. The only important thing to decide, sooner rather than later, is the style. Of course nothing else than a mullet will do for Cindeurella, queen of Eurotrash.

Short on the sides and long at the back. It may seem a straightforward matter, but don’t be fooled: Besides less important stuff, such as the wheel, Sumerians were the creators of this cornerstone of Eurotrash civilization, as this hasty work of Internet research will show to the inquisitive reader. It is difficult to say which invention admits  more variations in design, but the mullet sure beats the wheel by a stretch in creativity.

Therefore, Cindeurella is at a loss to choose one solution. Let’s review the possibilities and, as we do, you may as well try to find the corresponding picture above (you can also click on each attribution link to find the original ordinary pics in which some of these awesome graphics were based):

The Goldilocks Mullet

Not too short, nor too long. Not too deep a cut to the bondholder, not a excessive burden on the taxpayer, not, please, a wipeout of the shareholders of creditor banks. As the Goldibloke in orange just found out, it is a chimera. Nobody ever got it right. Now he has to go out and face the music in these ridiculous locks.


The German Mullet

Arguably the most important variation. As any accidental observer at the low cost beaches of Spain and Greece can see, Germans are kings of the mullet, they are the world mullet super power. So they feel rightly entitled to an opinion in this debate.

Their vision is, of course, a classic: some cuts for bondholders on one side, some snips to taxpayers on the other for fairness, longish for German banks. A recipe for a new financial meltdown, almost as destructive for international finance as their tourists’ mullets have been for the aesthetics of Southern beaches.

Come to think of it, Angela’s picture is the only one that didn’t need any improvement: she already wears a mullet!

Central European Mullet

Our moles in the ECB have sent us, at great risk to their physical integrity, this rare snapshot of Mr. Trichet at one of the few moments when he pulls out the long ponytail he normally hides under the back of his shirt to relax a bit.This is basically the style he’s muscularly advocating for Cindeurella. He is so out of touch with the street that his proposal is not even a mullet. Rather a crazy long tail of endlessly rolled over bonds tucked in the back, kept invisible from the front, to save face (value) As this embarrassing shot proves, it is probably completely unsustainable in the medium term.

The Frenchie 

Actually rather a real-world implementation of the ECM. It is easy to talk about roll overs (I mean hair extensions) as if one could just mandate them but, without the bondholders willing to provide them, where will these extensions be found?

This is exactly the problem that Carla Bruni’s husband believes he has solved. He found some hair elongations, so irresistibly French that, it is hoped, other bondholders will feel the bite of envy and want to come up with their own. The question is whether other thriftier investors will be so prone to sacrifice part of their assets to follow fashion; a difficult proposition, specially without counting on the under the counter support of the French State.

The beardet

It’s an extravaganza, the first job of a Australian shearer made redundant by a robot, who found a job as hairdresser. Both the bondholder and the taxpayer have been clipped to the bone. The debtor has managed to grow an exuberant beard on the kind effort of creditors. Maybe that’s the reason this guy reminds me of a Greek pope… A highly unlikely style.


The skullet

A matter of degree, if you will, but what a difference! See how the taxpayer has been shaved nice and blue while the bondholder gets to keep the luxuriant mane. Who said life is fair?

A Chinese Mullet

An intriguing alternative: Why stop at the debt and leave the currency intact? Let’s re-style the Euro itself! Let’s sit this unremarkable currency in the barber chair and shave it after a mullet that has allowed China to establish different degrees of insulation of areas of its economy to the world. Dual exchange rates could have the same effect on a regional basis (North Euro and South Euro)

Among its many benefits it will allow for a cooler short hair in hot Southern countries while at the same time keeping all that insulation that colder, Northern climates need against inflation. It will serve as a transition towards the demise of this Frankenstein born of the febrile imagination of some Eurocrats on laudanum and, not least, it will be outrageously fashionable!

As the need for even more flexibility becomes apparent, further romantic geographical denominations can be added: South- SouthWest, NorthWest, and what not.

Attribution (this guy doesn’t even know it, but he owes me a vintage pair of Gucci shades straight from the official website – some lucky mullet…)

Scalpet – the laissez faire style

There is of course the possibility of not going to the hairdresser, the dizzingly appeal of doing nothing at all. After all it is the favourite European approach and one that has allowed Cindeurella to go through the crisis… well, not exactly unscathed, but… alive.Of course, the problem is all that hair piling up higher than Palin’s on top of Cindeurella’s head is bound to slow her down and attract Comanche scalp hunters, already prowling the markets for human wigs. Come to think of it, this is actually the oldest haircut on Earth…


About Outis

Nobody is cooler than you
This entry was posted in Angela, Cindeurella, Debt, Eurotrash, The tenpins, Trichet and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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